Here I am in my empty house cooking dinner and listening to War of My Life by John Mayer. A deep feeling of loneliness passes through my body as it has occasionally for the past few weeks. I haven’t felt this kind of discomfort in a long time.
“Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know
I’m not running
I’m not scared
I am waiting and well prepared
I’m in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there’s no where to run
Got no choice but to fight ’til it’s done…”
The past year and a half has been an amazing year of growth for me. I have grown more in this period than I have for probably the past 10 years combined. Discovering my own incredible confidence and learning how to set “impossible” goals helped me greatly.
About two weeks ago I ended a close relationship with a girl. Unfortunately things just weren’t working out. There was no “official” label to it but it was deep and real. For, really, the first time in my life I put my heart and soul into it. I gave the relationship everything I had. Poured myself in it.
I wanted to experience love truly and fully. And even though I felt a pain unlike anything I have felt before after ending it (though it was the right decision), I am grateful for the overall encounter.
All in all, the experience was very positive. I learned what I needed to learn about myself and she learned what she needed to learn about herself. To understand the significance of this, consider the quote below:
“Any relationship you have to anything in your reality, not just to people but to things and situations, is just an opportunity to see yourself more clearly.” – Rahul Bhambhani
In this experience I learned things about myself I never knew before. I learned that I am capable of truly trusting and opening up to another person (most of my life I have been very shy and closed off). I learned that I need to follow through with my word and do things for the greater good, rather than for myself. I also learned how much of a romantic I am, and the masculine part of me doesn’t like to admit that.
But here I am thinking about my loneliness and unconsciously searching for ways to fill the “hole” of emptiness. I never thought I’d end up in this rather weak state.
This goes to show that life will always test you and send you curve balls when you least expect it. This is a wake up call. A call for change. A call for growth.
Joseph Campbell talks about the hero’s journey throughout his career as a writer and lecturer, and how you, the hero, can only grow by going out of a place of comfort to the unknown to learn a life-changing lesson (death and rebirth → transformation). For me, I went out of my comfort zone, became vulnerable and opened up my heart. From this I learned the remarkable value of uninhibited love and radical honesty, and I will carry this fresh knowledge into my future interactions.
Cheers to death and rebirth, and the feeling of pain that will no doubt launch me into many new adventures.
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